What NOT to give her for Valentines Day

1. A box of chocolates, clumsily rearranged in an attempt to hide the fact
you ate all the caramel ones.
2. Lingerie that you think will look almost as good on her as on the
Victoria's Secret model.
3. Any clothing item with the words "push-up" or "slim-down" on the label.
4. Any food item with the words "diet", "light", or "high fiber" on the
label.
5. Any video starring Sylvester Stallone, Jim Carrey, or Angelina Jolie.
6. Flowers from a hospital's gift shop--or worse, a mortuary's.
7. Poetry, no matter how heartfelt, that starts out "There was once a girl
from Nantucket..."
8. Anything you ever gave another woman, including your mother.
9. Any household appliance, power tool or other item from the harder side
of Sears.
10. A gift certificate.
11. Cash.
12. Anything you could have bought at the gas station mini-mart on the way
over, even if you didn't.
13. An apologetic look and the words "That was today?"